How did he get there?
There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and was arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into the White House unlawfully since...President Bush. (David Letterman)
There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots. (Letterman)
President Bush's dog Spot passed away. So they took Spot back to the ranch in Texas and buried him next to, I believe, 10,000 Al Gore ballots. (Letterman)
Dubbya in office
George W. Bush in the White House is like a turtle on a post. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help him get down. (Garrison Keillor)
President Bush is now being accused of leaking classified information. I was stunned. I was shocked. I said to myself, 'Wait, they let this guy see classified information?' (Letterman)
George’s answer to any problem at the ranch is to cut it down with a chainsaw. Which I think is why he and Cheney and Rumsfeld get along so well. (Laura Bush)
In his own words
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." –Saginaw, Michigan, September 29, 2000
"They misunderestimated me." -- Bentonville, Arkansas, November 6, 2000
"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." –Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, May 14, 2001
"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." –Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001
"I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe -- I believe what I believe is right." –Rome, Italy, July 22, 2001
"I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." –at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., December 10, 2001
"I just want you to know that when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." –Washington, D.C. June 18, 2002
"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." –Nashville, Tenn., September 17, 2002
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." –Washington, D.C., August 5, 2004
"Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a -- you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." –Washington, D.C., August 6, 2004
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." –Poplar Bluff, Missouri, September 6, 2004
"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." –Speaking about Greece, New York, May 24, 2005
"So long as I'm the president, my measure of success is victory -- and success."–Speaking about Iraq, Washington, D.C., April 17, 2008
More Language issues
George W. Bush heard from a staff member that Vice President Cheney had acute angina.
Upon hearing this, Dubya blushed, laughed, then scoffed: "C'mon.... Boys don't have anginas!"
W's Brain Trust
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds , "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes, ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides to put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker." Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"
And he gets in some of his own ...
Al Smith dinner 2000:
"This is an impressive crowd -- the haves and the have mores. Some people call you the elite -- I call you my base."
Annual Press Dinner March 29 2007:
"A year ago my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my vice-president had shot someone. [pause] Ah, those were the good ol' days,"
Regarding a controversy about him firing eight federal prosecutors: "I have to admit we really blew the way we let those attorneys go. [pause] You know you've botched it when people sympathize with lawyers."
Speaking of plans for his post-White House memoir and noting that former President Bill Clinton had written a 10,000 page-long tome. "I'm thinking of something really fun and creative for mine. You know, maybe a pop-up book.... Which title do you like best: 'How Dubbya Got His Groove Back', 'Who Moved My Presidency?' or 'Tuesdays with Cheney'?"
Q and A
Q: When visiting India what did George W think upon seeing a woman with a red dot on her forehead?
A: Holy Shit!!!! She must've been hunting with Cheney
Q: What were the best three years of George Bush's life?
A: Grade 5
See also Hu's on First?